Our journey to Emma is over. She is home and part of our family FOREVER. Now I am starting a new blog to document our lives as FINALLY a FAMILY of FIVE. In order to go to this blog you will need to e-mail me and I will need to personally invite you. I want to have better control of who is coming and reading our blog. Everyone who is following this blog can be approved for our new blog. I just need you to send an e-mail to me at alholsinger@aol.com and in the subject put BLOG INVITE and then tell me what STATE you are from---nothing too specific just OHIO will be perfect. I am excited for you to see our new blog. I had help from a friend in the layout and design and couldn't be happier with how it all turned out!
I hope you will continue to follow my blog as my family grows and changes.
I look forward to lots of e-mails and inviting lots of you to our new site!
How old is Emma today?
4-11-08 Meeting Emma: 1 year ago
A year ago today, Rob and I left Lexington a ball of nerves. We were starting a journey that we prayed would end with the addition of our daughter but we really had no idea what would happen. We left our house and our boys just after 4:00am. The stories I heard about Guatemala were not so positive. I heard of crime, some believing Americans come into their country to steal babies, horrible rumors about children coming to the US and being mistreated, stories about the lack of safety for tourist traveling...the DOS's web site sited Guatemala as NOT a very safe place for people to go. Rob and I both were nervous about this trip. I remember kissing our sleeping boys goodbye and saying a quick prayer that they would be safe....and that we would be safe....and that we were doing the right thing for our family.
The flights felt like they were never ending. It was like we couldn't possibly get there fast enough..and were so so so nervous. When we made our connection and boarded the plane to Guatemala, I remember feeling overwhelmed. There were many people speaking Spanish and for the first time in my life, I was the minority. I had no idea what they were saying. Even the messages that came over the intercom were in Spanish first and then repeated in English. (This message issue becomes funny on our way home when we were over the ocean going to Miami and their was an announcement in Spanish...people started looking funny and you could tell whatever was being said was making people who understood stressed. The very nice man beside me spoke Spanish and English and could see my face was getting panicked and said...don't worry we are just running out of fuel... but we are making an emergency landing and he said there was enough for the landing....Those few minutes before the message was in English and before my friend filled us in were scary!) I was glued to the window looking as soon as land could been seen. It didn't look like typical US flights where you see lots of squares and green or you see cities and buildings and cars and movement. Looking out the window as we approached Guatemala looked very different. There were hills and a dirt road here and there and small patches of homes/1 story buildings here and there. The roads looked windy and narrow and brown. There were lots and lots of trees and hills/mountains. We hit turbulence that was so horrible that Rob jokingly (but at the time not so jokingly) said he was not going to be able to get back on a plane to go home. He wondered if we could drive home...and how long it would take. Finally I could see more development as we approached Guatemala City. There were many, many houses and buildings and you could see a group of high buildings/hotels and banks in the heart of the city.
We arrived to a very run down airport....you cannot even imagine what it was like unless you have been there. They unloaded our luggage from the plane onto the street. There were so many people everywhere....swarms of people speaking only Spanish and trying to sell things or clean your shoes. I remember looking at Rob and wondering what in the world we were going to do. Then we saw the man with the Marriott sign and all was just fine as he loaded our luggage and put us into the shuttle. The 10 minute (maybe 2 mile drive) was our first glimpse of the city up close--- out our shuttle window. The level of poverty is something you cannot appreciate or understand until you are there and see it. There are busses that serve as public transportation with so many people on it that people are standing and sometimes hanging on in the door way of the bus. There are little children walking and standing by the road even though it is the middle of the day when we think children should be in school. There are groups of people everywhere just hanging out. Also you see people with guns....I mean EVERWHERE. You get used to it but wonder why there are so many offical lookng men with guns everywhere.
We arrived at the gate to the Marriott and saw the guards at the grounds and went inside. I couldn't believe how NICE the hotel was. It was like what you would expect to see in the United States. It did NOT match what was outside the gate. We went to our very nice 2 story room and called our lawyer. About 2 hours later our phone rang and Carolina was in the lobby. (Quick background....we were supposed to get our medical report before we left but didn't. We went down still only knowing that there was a little girl that weighed 7 lbs at birth and "appeared" healthy. We didn't know when Emma was born...or how old she was or if her blood work and tests were ok...if she really was healthy...nothing. All we had were those three pictures and the limited info. Rob and I said that as long as she was "pretty" healthy we were moving forward. Because we had two little ones at home we knew that we wouldn't be able to accept the referral if her blood work came back with issues--they standard test for HIV type I and II, and several other things. HIV was the only true worry we had...the rest we felt we could deal with.) She said she needed to talk to us before our foster mom brought the baby because there were a few things Karen felt we needed to know before we accepted. My heart SUNK. I told Rob and we quickly grabbed our hotel key and went to the lobby. That was no doubt the longest trip to the lobby every. The what ifs...what are we going to do...can be so scary. We walked into the lobby to Carolina and before we could even do our greetings a women with a tiny baby bundled in blanket after blanket was walking toward us smiling. Carolina motioned her to stop and said we needed to talk first. I said "is that her?" She said "yes". I said "is she healthy...what did her medical say?" She could see were were very worried about what she needed to tell us and said "Yes, yes of course...everything is fine she is healthy." That was all I needed to hear I moved toward Astrid and she handed Emma to me. Carolina continued to talk but Rob and I really didn't hear what she was saying. She explained that Emma's birthmom was from El Salvador not Guatemala---we didn't care--that it would take longer to get the papers in order---we didn't care and it could delay the process some for various reasons..I think she explained why but at that time --- we didn't care. She was healthy and she was in my arms.
Here are some pictures of Emma from our first visit.
We later learned that she was born on March 31st in Zacapa, Zacapa Guatemala to a 19 year old birth mom who already had one child and was not able to take care of Emma. We also learned some other information and were given her basic feeding and sleeping schedule from her foster mom. Our love for Astrid was immediate. After she told us her schedule and was about to leave, she had tears running down her checks. She was having the most difficult time giving this 11 day old baby to us....she didn't know us and she didn't know anything about us but we could see she was nervous to leave such a little baby to people she didn't know. Astrid doesn't speak much English but I kept telling Carolina to assure her that we had two little boys and were comfortable taking care of little babies...we understood about feeding every 2.5 hours, and crying, and diapering, and taking care of umbilical cord. I could tell Astrid was doing more than just a job and her love for this little girl was beyond words.
People always asked me if it felt like holding the boys the first time I held Emma. I laugh and say it didn't feel the same way each time I held my boys. Holding Jay was new and strange and I was scared about how I would be able to do everything he needed. There was a lot of unsureness on my part. With Drew, it was a difficult delivery (with NO doctor--NO epidural) and I was in horrible pain. Of course, I was excited to see and hold him. I couldn't believe how BIG he was but I was in so much pain that holding him for the first time felt different too. With both of the boys, I knew they were mine--- forever-- no matter what. They are my sons and I have rights to them from conception and there was a sense of control from the beginning. With Emma, I thought she was amazing but I had to have some distance...some wall up...because I couldn't allow myself to feel the same. I had no rights to this little baby, a lot could happen, her mom could change her mind, the program could shut, our government could deny her a visa, there were just too many things I couldn't control to feel the same as I did about the boys. My love for her was always there...even from the pictures. I would love this little girl no matter what, but I had to stay objective and rational about the process and not feel the same way---for my protection if nothing more.
Our 5 days with her were amazing. We loved her so much and the thoughts of handing her back were horrible. Rob and I both were a mess. I tried to take comfort in the fact that Astrid loved this baby and I could see that. I knew she was in good hands and would be well taken care of. I also had to remind myself that there were lots more that had to fall into place before I could say she was ours. As rational and objective I tried to be, it was still a nightmare to give her back and walk away from her after having those days with her. I will always treasure ALL the time I had in Guatemala with Emma but especially those first 5 days. She was so tiny, so snuggly, so sweet smelling, so alert, and so very beautiful. Even the horrible pain we felt leaving her was worth the time we had with her. I would never change our decision to be there a year ago today.
This picture was taken of us the night before we left.
I am so happy this little girl is our Emma. All the wildness we went through to bring her home was COMPLETELY worth it. Some say she is so lucky to be in our family but Rob and I both think we are the lucky ones to have her. She has added so much to all of us...the boys adore her just as much as we do!
The flights felt like they were never ending. It was like we couldn't possibly get there fast enough..and were so so so nervous. When we made our connection and boarded the plane to Guatemala, I remember feeling overwhelmed. There were many people speaking Spanish and for the first time in my life, I was the minority. I had no idea what they were saying. Even the messages that came over the intercom were in Spanish first and then repeated in English. (This message issue becomes funny on our way home when we were over the ocean going to Miami and their was an announcement in Spanish...people started looking funny and you could tell whatever was being said was making people who understood stressed. The very nice man beside me spoke Spanish and English and could see my face was getting panicked and said...don't worry we are just running out of fuel... but we are making an emergency landing and he said there was enough for the landing....Those few minutes before the message was in English and before my friend filled us in were scary!) I was glued to the window looking as soon as land could been seen. It didn't look like typical US flights where you see lots of squares and green or you see cities and buildings and cars and movement. Looking out the window as we approached Guatemala looked very different. There were hills and a dirt road here and there and small patches of homes/1 story buildings here and there. The roads looked windy and narrow and brown. There were lots and lots of trees and hills/mountains. We hit turbulence that was so horrible that Rob jokingly (but at the time not so jokingly) said he was not going to be able to get back on a plane to go home. He wondered if we could drive home...and how long it would take. Finally I could see more development as we approached Guatemala City. There were many, many houses and buildings and you could see a group of high buildings/hotels and banks in the heart of the city.
We arrived to a very run down airport....you cannot even imagine what it was like unless you have been there. They unloaded our luggage from the plane onto the street. There were so many people everywhere....swarms of people speaking only Spanish and trying to sell things or clean your shoes. I remember looking at Rob and wondering what in the world we were going to do. Then we saw the man with the Marriott sign and all was just fine as he loaded our luggage and put us into the shuttle. The 10 minute (maybe 2 mile drive) was our first glimpse of the city up close--- out our shuttle window. The level of poverty is something you cannot appreciate or understand until you are there and see it. There are busses that serve as public transportation with so many people on it that people are standing and sometimes hanging on in the door way of the bus. There are little children walking and standing by the road even though it is the middle of the day when we think children should be in school. There are groups of people everywhere just hanging out. Also you see people with guns....I mean EVERWHERE. You get used to it but wonder why there are so many offical lookng men with guns everywhere.
We arrived at the gate to the Marriott and saw the guards at the grounds and went inside. I couldn't believe how NICE the hotel was. It was like what you would expect to see in the United States. It did NOT match what was outside the gate. We went to our very nice 2 story room and called our lawyer. About 2 hours later our phone rang and Carolina was in the lobby. (Quick background....we were supposed to get our medical report before we left but didn't. We went down still only knowing that there was a little girl that weighed 7 lbs at birth and "appeared" healthy. We didn't know when Emma was born...or how old she was or if her blood work and tests were ok...if she really was healthy...nothing. All we had were those three pictures and the limited info. Rob and I said that as long as she was "pretty" healthy we were moving forward. Because we had two little ones at home we knew that we wouldn't be able to accept the referral if her blood work came back with issues--they standard test for HIV type I and II, and several other things. HIV was the only true worry we had...the rest we felt we could deal with.) She said she needed to talk to us before our foster mom brought the baby because there were a few things Karen felt we needed to know before we accepted. My heart SUNK. I told Rob and we quickly grabbed our hotel key and went to the lobby. That was no doubt the longest trip to the lobby every. The what ifs...what are we going to do...can be so scary. We walked into the lobby to Carolina and before we could even do our greetings a women with a tiny baby bundled in blanket after blanket was walking toward us smiling. Carolina motioned her to stop and said we needed to talk first. I said "is that her?" She said "yes". I said "is she healthy...what did her medical say?" She could see were were very worried about what she needed to tell us and said "Yes, yes of course...everything is fine she is healthy." That was all I needed to hear I moved toward Astrid and she handed Emma to me. Carolina continued to talk but Rob and I really didn't hear what she was saying. She explained that Emma's birthmom was from El Salvador not Guatemala---we didn't care--that it would take longer to get the papers in order---we didn't care and it could delay the process some for various reasons..I think she explained why but at that time --- we didn't care. She was healthy and she was in my arms.
Here are some pictures of Emma from our first visit.
We later learned that she was born on March 31st in Zacapa, Zacapa Guatemala to a 19 year old birth mom who already had one child and was not able to take care of Emma. We also learned some other information and were given her basic feeding and sleeping schedule from her foster mom. Our love for Astrid was immediate. After she told us her schedule and was about to leave, she had tears running down her checks. She was having the most difficult time giving this 11 day old baby to us....she didn't know us and she didn't know anything about us but we could see she was nervous to leave such a little baby to people she didn't know. Astrid doesn't speak much English but I kept telling Carolina to assure her that we had two little boys and were comfortable taking care of little babies...we understood about feeding every 2.5 hours, and crying, and diapering, and taking care of umbilical cord. I could tell Astrid was doing more than just a job and her love for this little girl was beyond words.
People always asked me if it felt like holding the boys the first time I held Emma. I laugh and say it didn't feel the same way each time I held my boys. Holding Jay was new and strange and I was scared about how I would be able to do everything he needed. There was a lot of unsureness on my part. With Drew, it was a difficult delivery (with NO doctor--NO epidural) and I was in horrible pain. Of course, I was excited to see and hold him. I couldn't believe how BIG he was but I was in so much pain that holding him for the first time felt different too. With both of the boys, I knew they were mine--- forever-- no matter what. They are my sons and I have rights to them from conception and there was a sense of control from the beginning. With Emma, I thought she was amazing but I had to have some distance...some wall up...because I couldn't allow myself to feel the same. I had no rights to this little baby, a lot could happen, her mom could change her mind, the program could shut, our government could deny her a visa, there were just too many things I couldn't control to feel the same as I did about the boys. My love for her was always there...even from the pictures. I would love this little girl no matter what, but I had to stay objective and rational about the process and not feel the same way---for my protection if nothing more.
Our 5 days with her were amazing. We loved her so much and the thoughts of handing her back were horrible. Rob and I both were a mess. I tried to take comfort in the fact that Astrid loved this baby and I could see that. I knew she was in good hands and would be well taken care of. I also had to remind myself that there were lots more that had to fall into place before I could say she was ours. As rational and objective I tried to be, it was still a nightmare to give her back and walk away from her after having those days with her. I will always treasure ALL the time I had in Guatemala with Emma but especially those first 5 days. She was so tiny, so snuggly, so sweet smelling, so alert, and so very beautiful. Even the horrible pain we felt leaving her was worth the time we had with her. I would never change our decision to be there a year ago today.
This picture was taken of us the night before we left.
I am so happy this little girl is our Emma. All the wildness we went through to bring her home was COMPLETELY worth it. Some say she is so lucky to be in our family but Rob and I both think we are the lucky ones to have her. She has added so much to all of us...the boys adore her just as much as we do!
4-7-08 Trip to the ZOO!
It was so nice on Sunday that we packed the kids up and met my parents in Columbus for our first zoo trip of the year! It was a lot of fun. It is so nice to feel spring in the air and know that summer is close...we are getting ready to open our pool in the next 2 weeks...I cannot wait!
Here are some pictures from the Zoo. We all had a great time.
Here are some pictures from the Zoo. We all had a great time.
4-5-08 Jay's Quilt
Jay's kindergarten class made a quilt for their end of the year project. A grandmother of a child in the class was in charge of the project and she sent home a letter to parents saying that our children were going to make a quilt. Parents could come into the classroom and help on certain days for an hour through out the month of March. None of the work on the quilt could happen outside of the room. Jay was so excited about this. I was able to go to his classroom 3 days to help him work on it. (It is hard to have time during the day from 10:30 to 11:30 on changing weekly days but I did the best I could to be there as much as we needed.) We worked on the quilt and Jay was so proud when I would walk into his room and his friends would say "Jay your mom is here."
I let him completely decide what he wanted to do and then was there to help him with things like ironing on the pictures/fabric and sewing the few buttons we couldn't glue or iron on. When I told him I was going the first day to help, he said "Mom don't forget to bring your sewing machine!" I was like WHAT....Jay we DON'T have a sewing machine! If we cannot draw it, iron it or glue it....we are in BIG trouble.
He picked the family picture he wanted---it was a picture our friends Ed and Amanda took at the Zoo in Guatemala on the boys first visit trip. He picked the themes for the other squares--the sports and hotwheels ones(I found iron ons). We looked through some of our Gautemalan pictures because he wanted to use one with valcanoes. We found one taken from the window of the Marriott by Pap Pap that he liked.
I am so proud of Jay. He worked very, very hard on his quilt and is so PROUD of it. This is the perfect snap shot of his Kindergarten year!
4-04-08 Referral DAY!
I want to start this post with three pages from the journal I kept for Emma. I am hoping this journal will help her see how much we loved her even before we knew her and how hard we worked to bring her home.
March 20, 2007
Lots of developments and backlash after the Protocol of Good Practices was made public. The DOS is urging families who haven't started their adoptions--families like us waiting to be matched with you, to consider other countries and adoption programs. Guateadopt has also issued a similar warning. This news is heart sickening for us. We truly believe you are finding your way to us...you are out there either growing in your birth mom's tummy or a tiny baby waiting for things to fall into place so you will find us. Daddy and I have lots of talks. I have also talked at length with your Nan Nan. I received an e-mail from Joanna and Karen and they say our agency is marching on until they can march no more because little ones are out there that need families to find them. We are marching on too.....
***Currently we are # 8 on the waiting list for new referrals.****
Love,
Mommy
March 27, 2007
Good news EMMA! We have moved up on the lists. We are second on the waiting list for R. and S., R and R (these are three of our agencies lawyers)and FIRST on the list with Dina. I truly believe you are about to find us. Karen shared that R and S. have 8 expecting birth mothers in private foster care now. The birth moms are due April to early May. As excited we are for you to come and find us...try to stay in that warm comfy womb as long as possible. Every day that you are there you grow stronger and develop more. Take your time our sweet little girl. There is no rush....when you are ready to enter the world, we will be here to do what we need to do to keep you safe, love and cherish you.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Jay and Drew
April 4, 2007
We got a call today that changed our lives forever! Karen called to say she had 3 pictures of a beautiful baby girl named Kimberly Yamiteth P. She had no other information about you because it is Holy Week. We will be working with Dina and traveling to see you next Wednesday! More information about you will be coming on Monday or Tuesday.
Daddy and I were home with the boys on Wednesday at 12:08 when we got the call. Honestly I could barely breathe as I was scribbling down the little info we had. Karen said she would e-mail your pictures as soon as we got off the phone. I sat down at the computer and could hardly stand the wait. I saw your beautiful face....you looked like you belong in our family.
We love you already!
Thanks for finding us,
Mommy, Daddy, Jay and Drew
Now reflecting back on that day a year ago....I still get chills. We had talked about Emma, thought about Emma, and loved Emma even before we ever saw her beautiful little face. We were not at ALL expecting any news during Holy Week. The week before, my heart would STOP almost every time the phone would ring. I knew that at any second we could get the call that would finally allow us to see Emma. When the call finally came...we were SHOCKED. Rob and I just sat there and kept pulling up the pictures and looking at this little girl again and again. It was amazing that we were all home together when we saw Emma for the first time. The boys were both on spring break from preschool and I was working from home. Rob had switched his days off that week---he was usually off on Thursday but for some reason he was off Wednesday. We just kept looking at her pictures and wondering about what would happen next. I picked up the phone and called my mom at work. I said something like "Are you close to your computer? I just send you pictures of the little girl that could be your granddaughter and she is BEAUTIFUL...and has HAIR!" (Now I had to keep a slightly removed stance on Emma at first. Those of you that know Guatemala adoptions or were around me during this process have heard me say many times that there are NO guarantees and sometimes referrals don't work out for various reasons. As much as I hoped and prayed this would be Emma...until it was DONE...it wasn't really DONE. I had also told Mom that I just knew my referral would have NO hair! I so wanted a little girl with hair. Both of my boys had NONE until they were well over 1 and I would look at referral pictures on the adoption boards and would see all these babies with lots and lots of hair. I was so hoping Emma would have beautiful dark hair...and she did!) My next call was to my dad at work right after I had sent him the pictures. Rob called his parents and sister and the news was out! We were planning a trip to Guatemala the following week.
We didn't know when Emma was born or anything about her until after we would arrive in Guatemala. All we had were these three pictures and the dream that things would work out and she was supposed to be the Emma we had been waiting and praying to join our family! (We are so thankful it all did work out and that is sitting in our living room as I type this playing with a toy and listening to a music cartoon on Noggins.)
The e-mail from Karen said:
Here she is.....she is beautiful.
March 20, 2007
Lots of developments and backlash after the Protocol of Good Practices was made public. The DOS is urging families who haven't started their adoptions--families like us waiting to be matched with you, to consider other countries and adoption programs. Guateadopt has also issued a similar warning. This news is heart sickening for us. We truly believe you are finding your way to us...you are out there either growing in your birth mom's tummy or a tiny baby waiting for things to fall into place so you will find us. Daddy and I have lots of talks. I have also talked at length with your Nan Nan. I received an e-mail from Joanna and Karen and they say our agency is marching on until they can march no more because little ones are out there that need families to find them. We are marching on too.....
***Currently we are # 8 on the waiting list for new referrals.****
Love,
Mommy
March 27, 2007
Good news EMMA! We have moved up on the lists. We are second on the waiting list for R. and S., R and R (these are three of our agencies lawyers)and FIRST on the list with Dina. I truly believe you are about to find us. Karen shared that R and S. have 8 expecting birth mothers in private foster care now. The birth moms are due April to early May. As excited we are for you to come and find us...try to stay in that warm comfy womb as long as possible. Every day that you are there you grow stronger and develop more. Take your time our sweet little girl. There is no rush....when you are ready to enter the world, we will be here to do what we need to do to keep you safe, love and cherish you.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Jay and Drew
April 4, 2007
We got a call today that changed our lives forever! Karen called to say she had 3 pictures of a beautiful baby girl named Kimberly Yamiteth P. She had no other information about you because it is Holy Week. We will be working with Dina and traveling to see you next Wednesday! More information about you will be coming on Monday or Tuesday.
Daddy and I were home with the boys on Wednesday at 12:08 when we got the call. Honestly I could barely breathe as I was scribbling down the little info we had. Karen said she would e-mail your pictures as soon as we got off the phone. I sat down at the computer and could hardly stand the wait. I saw your beautiful face....you looked like you belong in our family.
We love you already!
Thanks for finding us,
Mommy, Daddy, Jay and Drew
Now reflecting back on that day a year ago....I still get chills. We had talked about Emma, thought about Emma, and loved Emma even before we ever saw her beautiful little face. We were not at ALL expecting any news during Holy Week. The week before, my heart would STOP almost every time the phone would ring. I knew that at any second we could get the call that would finally allow us to see Emma. When the call finally came...we were SHOCKED. Rob and I just sat there and kept pulling up the pictures and looking at this little girl again and again. It was amazing that we were all home together when we saw Emma for the first time. The boys were both on spring break from preschool and I was working from home. Rob had switched his days off that week---he was usually off on Thursday but for some reason he was off Wednesday. We just kept looking at her pictures and wondering about what would happen next. I picked up the phone and called my mom at work. I said something like "Are you close to your computer? I just send you pictures of the little girl that could be your granddaughter and she is BEAUTIFUL...and has HAIR!" (Now I had to keep a slightly removed stance on Emma at first. Those of you that know Guatemala adoptions or were around me during this process have heard me say many times that there are NO guarantees and sometimes referrals don't work out for various reasons. As much as I hoped and prayed this would be Emma...until it was DONE...it wasn't really DONE. I had also told Mom that I just knew my referral would have NO hair! I so wanted a little girl with hair. Both of my boys had NONE until they were well over 1 and I would look at referral pictures on the adoption boards and would see all these babies with lots and lots of hair. I was so hoping Emma would have beautiful dark hair...and she did!) My next call was to my dad at work right after I had sent him the pictures. Rob called his parents and sister and the news was out! We were planning a trip to Guatemala the following week.
We didn't know when Emma was born or anything about her until after we would arrive in Guatemala. All we had were these three pictures and the dream that things would work out and she was supposed to be the Emma we had been waiting and praying to join our family! (We are so thankful it all did work out and that is sitting in our living room as I type this playing with a toy and listening to a music cartoon on Noggins.)
The e-mail from Karen said:
Here she is.....she is beautiful.
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