4-11-08 Meeting Emma: 1 year ago

A year ago today, Rob and I left Lexington a ball of nerves. We were starting a journey that we prayed would end with the addition of our daughter but we really had no idea what would happen. We left our house and our boys just after 4:00am. The stories I heard about Guatemala were not so positive. I heard of crime, some believing Americans come into their country to steal babies, horrible rumors about children coming to the US and being mistreated, stories about the lack of safety for tourist traveling...the DOS's web site sited Guatemala as NOT a very safe place for people to go. Rob and I both were nervous about this trip. I remember kissing our sleeping boys goodbye and saying a quick prayer that they would be safe....and that we would be safe....and that we were doing the right thing for our family.
The flights felt like they were never ending. It was like we couldn't possibly get there fast enough..and were so so so nervous. When we made our connection and boarded the plane to Guatemala, I remember feeling overwhelmed. There were many people speaking Spanish and for the first time in my life, I was the minority. I had no idea what they were saying. Even the messages that came over the intercom were in Spanish first and then repeated in English. (This message issue becomes funny on our way home when we were over the ocean going to Miami and their was an announcement in Spanish...people started looking funny and you could tell whatever was being said was making people who understood stressed. The very nice man beside me spoke Spanish and English and could see my face was getting panicked and said...don't worry we are just running out of fuel... but we are making an emergency landing and he said there was enough for the landing....Those few minutes before the message was in English and before my friend filled us in were scary!) I was glued to the window looking as soon as land could been seen. It didn't look like typical US flights where you see lots of squares and green or you see cities and buildings and cars and movement. Looking out the window as we approached Guatemala looked very different. There were hills and a dirt road here and there and small patches of homes/1 story buildings here and there. The roads looked windy and narrow and brown. There were lots and lots of trees and hills/mountains. We hit turbulence that was so horrible that Rob jokingly (but at the time not so jokingly) said he was not going to be able to get back on a plane to go home. He wondered if we could drive home...and how long it would take. Finally I could see more development as we approached Guatemala City. There were many, many houses and buildings and you could see a group of high buildings/hotels and banks in the heart of the city.
We arrived to a very run down airport....you cannot even imagine what it was like unless you have been there. They unloaded our luggage from the plane onto the street. There were so many people everywhere....swarms of people speaking only Spanish and trying to sell things or clean your shoes. I remember looking at Rob and wondering what in the world we were going to do. Then we saw the man with the Marriott sign and all was just fine as he loaded our luggage and put us into the shuttle. The 10 minute (maybe 2 mile drive) was our first glimpse of the city up close--- out our shuttle window. The level of poverty is something you cannot appreciate or understand until you are there and see it. There are busses that serve as public transportation with so many people on it that people are standing and sometimes hanging on in the door way of the bus. There are little children walking and standing by the road even though it is the middle of the day when we think children should be in school. There are groups of people everywhere just hanging out. Also you see people with guns....I mean EVERWHERE. You get used to it but wonder why there are so many offical lookng men with guns everywhere.
We arrived at the gate to the Marriott and saw the guards at the grounds and went inside. I couldn't believe how NICE the hotel was. It was like what you would expect to see in the United States. It did NOT match what was outside the gate. We went to our very nice 2 story room and called our lawyer. About 2 hours later our phone rang and Carolina was in the lobby. (Quick background....we were supposed to get our medical report before we left but didn't. We went down still only knowing that there was a little girl that weighed 7 lbs at birth and "appeared" healthy. We didn't know when Emma was born...or how old she was or if her blood work and tests were ok...if she really was healthy...nothing. All we had were those three pictures and the limited info. Rob and I said that as long as she was "pretty" healthy we were moving forward. Because we had two little ones at home we knew that we wouldn't be able to accept the referral if her blood work came back with issues--they standard test for HIV type I and II, and several other things. HIV was the only true worry we had...the rest we felt we could deal with.) She said she needed to talk to us before our foster mom brought the baby because there were a few things Karen felt we needed to know before we accepted. My heart SUNK. I told Rob and we quickly grabbed our hotel key and went to the lobby. That was no doubt the longest trip to the lobby every. The what ifs...what are we going to do...can be so scary. We walked into the lobby to Carolina and before we could even do our greetings a women with a tiny baby bundled in blanket after blanket was walking toward us smiling. Carolina motioned her to stop and said we needed to talk first. I said "is that her?" She said "yes". I said "is she healthy...what did her medical say?" She could see were were very worried about what she needed to tell us and said "Yes, yes of course...everything is fine she is healthy." That was all I needed to hear I moved toward Astrid and she handed Emma to me. Carolina continued to talk but Rob and I really didn't hear what she was saying. She explained that Emma's birthmom was from El Salvador not Guatemala---we didn't care--that it would take longer to get the papers in order---we didn't care and it could delay the process some for various reasons..I think she explained why but at that time --- we didn't care. She was healthy and she was in my arms.
Here are some pictures of Emma from our first visit.





We later learned that she was born on March 31st in Zacapa, Zacapa Guatemala to a 19 year old birth mom who already had one child and was not able to take care of Emma. We also learned some other information and were given her basic feeding and sleeping schedule from her foster mom. Our love for Astrid was immediate. After she told us her schedule and was about to leave, she had tears running down her checks. She was having the most difficult time giving this 11 day old baby to us....she didn't know us and she didn't know anything about us but we could see she was nervous to leave such a little baby to people she didn't know. Astrid doesn't speak much English but I kept telling Carolina to assure her that we had two little boys and were comfortable taking care of little babies...we understood about feeding every 2.5 hours, and crying, and diapering, and taking care of umbilical cord. I could tell Astrid was doing more than just a job and her love for this little girl was beyond words.
People always asked me if it felt like holding the boys the first time I held Emma. I laugh and say it didn't feel the same way each time I held my boys. Holding Jay was new and strange and I was scared about how I would be able to do everything he needed. There was a lot of unsureness on my part. With Drew, it was a difficult delivery (with NO doctor--NO epidural) and I was in horrible pain. Of course, I was excited to see and hold him. I couldn't believe how BIG he was but I was in so much pain that holding him for the first time felt different too. With both of the boys, I knew they were mine--- forever-- no matter what. They are my sons and I have rights to them from conception and there was a sense of control from the beginning. With Emma, I thought she was amazing but I had to have some distance...some wall up...because I couldn't allow myself to feel the same. I had no rights to this little baby, a lot could happen, her mom could change her mind, the program could shut, our government could deny her a visa, there were just too many things I couldn't control to feel the same as I did about the boys. My love for her was always there...even from the pictures. I would love this little girl no matter what, but I had to stay objective and rational about the process and not feel the same way---for my protection if nothing more.
Our 5 days with her were amazing. We loved her so much and the thoughts of handing her back were horrible. Rob and I both were a mess. I tried to take comfort in the fact that Astrid loved this baby and I could see that. I knew she was in good hands and would be well taken care of. I also had to remind myself that there were lots more that had to fall into place before I could say she was ours. As rational and objective I tried to be, it was still a nightmare to give her back and walk away from her after having those days with her. I will always treasure ALL the time I had in Guatemala with Emma but especially those first 5 days. She was so tiny, so snuggly, so sweet smelling, so alert, and so very beautiful. Even the horrible pain we felt leaving her was worth the time we had with her. I would never change our decision to be there a year ago today.
This picture was taken of us the night before we left.

I am so happy this little girl is our Emma. All the wildness we went through to bring her home was COMPLETELY worth it. Some say she is so lucky to be in our family but Rob and I both think we are the lucky ones to have her. She has added so much to all of us...the boys adore her just as much as we do!